Perspective of a Problem…

A couple events this past week have me thinking about perspective. I met someone talking about their Dad. He’s mid-80′s, lives alone in the family home and is standing firm. But… has had a stroke and other health issues that are causing well intended family members to think it may be time to look into some help at home or another living situation. Of course, even after a recent fall, Dad insists on still being at home and isn’t interested in help or a new address.

Sound familiar? We hear of similar situations every week. As a well-intended adult child I can relate to the concern we feel for our parents, and as a provider of care to those fiercely independent family members can respect their desire for independence. As they tell me all the time – it’s their life, they ARE adults and CAN & WILL make their own decisions. Yes, definitely.

There are many ways we can go with this conversation – and will over the coming weeks. Today I’d like to talk about two factors to consider as you begin to have conversations with your loved ones about alternate living arrangements – perspective and “digestion”.

In our concern, we can get lost in trying to solve what we perceive to be a problem. Remember it may not be a problem to your loved one. To them, life is good, they cannot see a reason to make a change. That is one of the biggest reasons that I tell families to start these conversations – which may be uncomfortable – early. It’s easier to have difficult conversations when there is no added external stress. Don’t laugh, but at 46 I’ve already started to talk about it with my next generation. It’s easier when your perspective isn’t trying to solve a problem, and your family members perspective isn’t trying to hang on to a lifestyle created over a lifetime (not a problem). So, if you’re coming from the problem side of the perspective fence, how do you convey that there is a problem? Now comes the “digestion” side.

It takes any person time to “digest” an idea. In a crisis, there usually isn’t time to allow for a comfortable digestion – it’s definitely a heartburn experience. Taking that one step further – it may be that what you view as a crisis isn’t, at least to your family member. It actually may be one more symptom of a developing issue. That’s good, because it means you have some time. Getting back to digestion – a friend once shared with me that it takes 7 (+/-2) touches or presentations for an idea/though/concept to be conveyed to another person. Wow! That was an eye-opening revelation that got me through many days as a parent! By starting conversations about lifestyle and life choices before there is a problem, it provides for learning, exploring, listening and sharing. It avoids defensiveness, posturing and hiding. It creates a basis for the conversation when one side thinks there is a problem. It builds an expectation for what it might take for the concept that there is a problem to be received. Give yourself or your family member time for that 7 (+/-2) touches.

I started titling this perspective, because it is in part about perspective but really it’s about giving yourself and your loved one time to work through this process of life. To work through the changes that come about as we age; physical, emotional, cognitive or changes to our roles & relationships. We all bring different perspectives to the table, but like in many things in life, if we can get past the raw emotion, look at the situation, look at the options and make an informed decision, it’s win-win for us all.

To close, it is important to stress that this article assumes that you are not in the midst of a medical emergency or that there are not real safety concerns regarding your loved ones independence. Those cases are the heart-burn times when while it’s great to have the luxury of time – you don’t. We’ll talk more about that in another post.

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